Quiet Insults, Slights and Disrespect
So some advice to those who are Black, or belong to visible ethnic minorities, and about to live in/move to Reno, Nevada. The major takeaway I have and had to learn to live with is to be Black while living in a place where few people are Black or look like me. Also living with quiet insults and slights towards me, yet is about disrespect and finding a way to live with dignity, in a place where Black/African Americans make up 2.8% of the population.
Versus that of Las Vegas where that number is 12.2% and 21.1% in North Las Vegas respectively; and that data has had a tremendous amount of impact on economic, political, and general characters of Reno and Las Vegas respectively.
That is something I am always aware of when I visit Southern Nevada in that issues regarding racism and race are less prominent. Not to say that they are not there. I am mindful that a massive majority of Nevada’s black political leaders hail from Clark County, and in contrast there are NO black members of the Nevada Assembly or Senate from outside Clark County and in Washoe County the only member of color (in state government, there are several in a number of local city council, school boards, and etc.) is my Nevada Assemblywoman Teresa Benitez-Thompson (D-Reno).
Likely with that element of representation in consideration, this may have shaped the contours of Reno’s issue on race and racism. As I can only recall of two Black representatives ever being elected in my memory, former State Senators Bernice Mathews (D-Washoe County) and Maurice Washington (R-Sparks)
With that I have unfortunately accepted throughout my life at least as far back as I can fully acknowledge that living in Northern Nevada I've often faced some form of racism, discrimination, and hatred on a daily basis. As I got older I embraced this perverse form of discrimination, by affirming and propagating it at times unwittingly and wittingly. The good news is that overtime this has gone down in frequency but it still occurs. Ironic as I write this letter today, there are rumors of a nationwide White Pride marches, it makes me wonder where in Reno/Northern Nevada will have a demonstration, not IF.
A Tough and Honest Talk on the state of Race Relations
As when I originally penned this letter in the last weekend of February and otherwise known in America as Black History Month, I am reminded at this time last year I was at the White House in Washington D.C. for an event at the East Room attended by Former President Trump, and Former First Lady Melania Trump where he spoke to supporters and praised his Black community political supporters in a Prime Time Speech.
I began to think about my experience with this issue and I thought to myself about that event. In that speech Trump praised supporters, allies, and his political achievements. I heard nothing addressing serious challenges in society besides political promises and pledges on addressing race and race relations. It made me think about this issue and my experience about Black History Month. In that all the focus and energy is on what Black people have done FOR America, Education, Civil Rights, yet there isn’t a tough and honest talk unless you look for it on the state of race relations in America. So here we are on race and thinking about it locally.
Generally Accepted Behaviors in Nevada
Something I've come to terms with about living in Nevada as a person of African descent, to be disrespected, discounted, and disregarded is sadly to be expected. What's particularly unique to Nevada in this is that the prevalence of this behavior is generally accepted. Concurrently with that acceptance is that those who have to endure it typically do it in silence.
It’s a type of silence that is similar to that experienced by those who have been victimized both by an attacker, then by the criminal justice system when the attacker/assailant gets away and not justice or conclusion is rendered. Yet the expectation of “moving on” or “life moves on”, is placed on the victim regardless of ability or capacity to endure the injury or recover from the damage. In time it's a type of quiet indifference and ignorance that Reno and Northern Nevada that happens simply because of time passing by, and the transient nature of our community. They both smooth over the injustice of history past, and actions current.
As in most of the parts the country said behavior would naturally be seen as a faux pas, or unacceptable. More importantly a unique feature of living in Reno, Nevada is that it has NEVER really faced a TRUE day or time of reckoning regarding its past and racial discrimination. It's like a quiet secret "Biggest Little City'' never likes to talk about.
From zoning and planning near my old high school near Reno High School, to how the Northern Nevada community reacted in the beginning of the former San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick kneeling protest. It was only in 2020 after the controversy died down and passed that students and student leaders started having a conversation about restoring one of UNR's more prolific athletes to the public space.
Even in the naming of a public school that serves predominantly minority students, the issue of race and representation continues. I must clarify I knew of former State Senator Debbie Smith (D-Sparks) and attended her funeral and understood and saw her passion for education. Yet a contention Ms. Adrienne Feemster, grand-daughter of Former Proctor R. Hug High School administrator/Principal Dolores Feemster, raises is why should a political figure name adorn an institution that will likely serve more students and constituents of color than the legislator served in office. I simply place this debate here not to level a position, to show an element of the fluid challenges here in Northern Nevada and Reno have with race and racial reckoning in the twentieth-first century.
Eating Out / Waiting Tables + Stores and Security
Eating out/waiting tables.....I was a waiter for many years in Reno. That experience has always left the most naked, harsh, and disgusting elements about racism, and bigotry. As it deals with class, race, money, and above all order. I start with this, some the most racist and bigoted statements I would hear from co-workers who would quietly confide after a few drinks after work and tell me or yell at me. "Why is it that Black people tip the worst!?!" Alternatively I would find my waiting experiences often left me less than happy as I observed my server go to other tables with higher levels of frequency before attending to my table. I still tipped 20% (or more) as I remember how hard that job is, but I didn't like doing it. I myself as a waiter in the 2000s found myself propagating that self-affirming bias. It took me being taken to task by a senior waiter and staff member to get me to treat all tables the same, to give everyone the same level of speed and attention irregardless of WHO sat there.
From time to time I have to calm myself about going out to eat (still) because 50/50 now (used to be a 70/30 ratio unscientific poll) I found myself unhappy, annoyed, disgusted by my eating experience. Yet I swallowed it and didn't complain to the supervisor/manager, leave a complaint, a bad review, or respond as I felt that if I did I would be slighted, or find my complaint dismissed or explained away. As has happened a couple times and I remember my days as a struggling student server, I would be terrified of the thought or worry of that "CUSTOMER" like myself who may demand more than a comped check. My worry of committing an act of waiting malpractice may cost me more than just a tip, but my job. As at that time of my life I was working my way through UNR and I was a complete emotional wreck doing so. So that passing thought becomes an active physical action that drives me out the door in cowed silence. As I assume or feel my voice for something I just paid for has no value.
Stores and Security...This is a new feature I am dealing with in Northern Nevada. As in recent memory when I grew up here we didn’t always have security in stores. Now with the growth, we have an influx of big-box stores, and with that comes theft and loss prevention measures. This has given me the unpleasant “I’m being watched feelings” I now have, in the many stores I visit throughout Reno/Sparks the awkward looking over my shoulder to see a uniformed officer following me or store personnel being a lot more “helpful” than needed when in the General Merchandise, Electronics, and other sections that have moderate theft issues. Versus that when my white friends visit these departments, they often are unable to find a soul around to “help” them until they themselves wander two-three departments over.
Fairly recently I had a choice encounter at a certain big-box retailer in central Reno where receipts were being checked not for completion/numbers of items, yet I noticed the employee was inconsistently checking those who didn’t walk past the clerk. When it came to my turn, I observed a member of management hurried in great speed to make sure I was checked. When I didn’t have my receipt I was told I wouldn’t be permitted to leave, which seems odd to me as I was observed by others minutes ago walking past. I couldn’t understand why I was being subjected to such scrutiny (even after paying for my items minutes prior). I eventually showed a receipt, yet I asked myself….why did I have to go through that? This I imagine is a common issue for people of color in the Reno area who find themselves in these awkward circumstances. Yet must maintain an air of calm demeanor, respectful tone, and measured actions when every thought and feeling says otherwise.
This is an awkward issue for me because I am trained in some of these tactics and I often see many security guards, loss prevention agents, and store staff do this horribly wrong … let true perpetrators and criminals walk out of their stores with high value goods, etc., time after time. Simply because they followed a person of color not because they had a reasonable suspicion, but because their implicit bias, some prior experiences, led them to think that was a reasonable solution.
My Youth 1990-2000's-One of the things I've always had to be really careful about is embracing my identity. And still in the drive to cover myself in cultural protection, that of mainstream Western/West-Coast Americana. I eschewed anything Black or African American. I was openly contemptuous and ridiculed if not contrarian of anything that was based on that. One of the most critical elements was basically trying to not be ethnocentrically aware or to not be connected ethnocentrically with African American culture. So reinforced by toxic and negative elements throughout my personal, work, and social life. I stuffed thoughts and ideas that bothered me when I saw and heard things I found offensive. Simply smiled and nodded approvingly. Knowing that I was disgusted and repulsed inside.
I openly (to myself admit & accept) whether it's at work, my personal life, in politics, and in the media market as well. A degree of contempt, dismissive perspectives on my talents or abilities, or a mix of all three. I make this abundantly clear to myself. I do not see myself as a victim. I do not say/wish to say "please take pity on me". I just have to find validity and accept that really nobody cares. Sadly it's part of that complex that is accepted. "I'm Black who cares". As I have to impound on myself and I have to drill in my head that I should judge myself on the content of my character and not the color of my skin. (I don't know what I mean) As it would be really easy to adhere to that structure, as it dominated my life. I know because it was well I never expected it to (I don't know what I mean) .
Photo by Trevor Bexon with Amy Klobuchar with permission to use.
Politics, Public Life, and “Polite Society”
I often felt I was caught in the crossfire of three camps regarding racism in America. Namely that of a young man trying to find his way in the world. who legitimately just didn't understand what these boundaries of color and racism really meant. The son of African immigrants who struggled financially to find their place in the local and economic environment. The only son of college graduates who desired a better life for their family and held their children were to an extremely high and ambitious expectation. That was to go on to college themselves, and not only to go to college but to succeed economically, professionally, and in society.
I was warned as a young man at home by family and friends alike that "you are not an African American, but you are an African in America". Is a means of trying to separate myself from the African-American diaspora. The truth of the matter is to anyone on the outside I look black no matter what I say or do. Yet for many years of my young adult life I internalized this wildly disgusting idea. I am worse off for doing so. I say this openly now because I recognize the harm and has done to me and others. As it has prevented me from helping people who needed my support, denied my humanity and need to connect to another suffering human being, worse off I enabled racism/racist to continue advocating and supporting morally repugnant, reprehensible, and despicable ideas.
“Why can’t you ALL pull yourself’s out by your bootstraps”, “racism is over right”, and failing to speak up and say what was really on mind probably hurt more than anything I said. I often am reminded that Colin Kaepernick and I shared a common friend who was an ally of his on campus. When he faced criticism for his kneeling protest, my friend stood by Colin. Through and through my friend stood by his friend, ally, and was willing to submit to a New York Times interview. While I criticized Colin and his allies to score cultural and political points, in hindsight of it all from Colin’s photo being removed from the airport to meeting "Peter” at UNR, I shouldn’t have even entered that debate, as the dominant issue wasn’t free speech, it was race and race relations in America.
My perverse logic led me to live a life that was horribly inconsistent with the values that I actually felt. It led me to tolerate things that were just morally, spiritually, and personally abhorrent. I would endure people hurling racial epithets in front of me or at me as a sign of humor. I would humor people engaging and saying race-baiting conversations to me. I was at an event and then once we were there, there were people in blackface and I was invited, yet I didn’t leave. Repeatedly I was asked to engage in activities in sports not because of my actual physical prowess but that perceived physical prowess that I had. Thankfully I definitely let those down concerning that perceived prowess athletically.
So much so that I turned to alcohol, and other poor coping mechanisms to dull the pain. I'm not saying that it makes people weak to do these things. I'm just saying that's what I did.
So I am being so naked and so candid about my experiences. It's because the time is here to have that conversation. We have come to a point in time where you're having a very long conversation about ourselves. I have found through counseling and therapy that the only way you come to truth is you have to come to terms with things. You have to take an honest look at yourself, and be willing to assess the bones that lie bear. Also because the Asian American community is now in the firing line on racism, racist tropes, physical attacks, and hate crimes. I don’t wish to see another ethnic minority group face a rehash of a cycle of social marginalization or worse in this community. As sadly it has happened before during the 1918-19 Flu Pandemic and subsequent historical event throughout the twentieth century.
What I hope to do with this exchange with you here in Northern Nevada in this community is to have that Exchange. If we don't, if we simply gloss over the problem, we will simply let it fester some more. As a close friend of mine often says let's have a courageous conversation. I'm looking forward to having more of these with you!
I openly say this side note one of the things I will openly say about racism and racists; is I have yet to meet someone who is racist who is smart because inherently built in the concept of racism. Is a concept that someone who is of another different race is less intelligent or capable simply because of pigmentation. Which has no bearing on physical or physiological elements. So inherently and the long and short of racism is stupidity. Therefore simply racists are stupid, I openly say in this statement if you have an issue with that statement in the substance, style, and structure. I am open to hear why, but I challenge you to ask yourself if you have an issue with the premise. I simply ask you to ask yourself why?